Jesus vs. Depression

Since being deep in depression for almost a year, I have fought to stay as far away from that slippery slope as possible.

Because depression is like quicksand - it tries to suck you in without the slightest warning. And you have to be aware of what the signs are that it is about to pounce, and try your best to establish healthy patterns in your life to keep from getting pulled down deep again. 

I felt that yucky feeling creeping up on me tonight... Like a thick fog gathering over my head and molasses being poured all over my body so that I felt cloudy, stuck and unmovable. 

It took everything in me to keep from giving in to that sinking feeling and, instead, to fight it off by seeking God's presence.

Which for me just looked like sitting on my floor while my sick baby was in bed sleeping and my husband was out at a church Halloween event, and just holding on in my heart to the hope and peace of Jesus. 

It was almost as if my soul was slipping down a slippery slope of hopelessness and confusion and my spirit reached out and said, "Nope! You remember what that was like last time don't you? You've gotta stop this thing before it starts or you'll wake up a week from now and wonder what the heck happened to you!"

And by golly she was right (my smart little spirit lol). And so I held on as hard as I could to Jesus and leaned on Him to keep me from slipping down the slope... until my husband got home. 

Then I did something that I've learned over the years not to do and that was, to turn my grasping, desperate soul from holding onto Jesus to trying to hold onto Josh instead...

Let me just say that when you try to grab onto anything other than Jesus Christ, His Holy Spirit and your Father in Heaven for help and protection for the yucky stuff, that thing or person is going to fail you and buckle under the impossible weight of trying to hold you up on their own. 

But because I know this about myself, I never fully let myself jump 100% into Josh's arms for support against the darkness. It was like I was reaching out halfway for him to help me out of the pit I was falling into while still holding onto God with the other hand. 

But even by doing that, I brought Josh down for a little while as he tried to help me up. All the while I was angry at his lack of ability to save me. 

But when I finally realized what I was doing - trying to lean on an imperfect human for the limitless power that I needed to survive the onslaught of emotions and chaos in my heart, I made a conscious decision to stop. 

I had to sit my soul down, almost like a mom and a child, and say, "Soul, we're not going to go down this path any further. It's only going to hurt you and Josh and you need to stop and turn your eye to Jesus. He's the only one who can handle this onslaught."

Thankfully my husband also prayed for me after I made that decision and it helped immensely. But I don't think it would have helped as much if I hadn't have fully decided to lean 100% on Jesus in that moment instead of 50% Jesus, 50% Josh... People have a role to play in helping us survive the attacks of the enemy in our lives, but their help will only satisfy us for a short amount of time unless we are actually reaching out for Jesus' hand as we reach out to them... Knowing that they will never fully be able to help us but that it will only be Jesus working in them that will help us make it out alive.

In that moment, I had to choose to put the full weight of my overwhelm on the strong shoulders of my Savior instead of trying to grab onto another bobbing human in the middle of the ocean and pulling them down with me...

Anyways, if you've been depressed before, you know how hard it is to make the decision to get out and stay out.

Depression comes to you like an old friend and says, "Awe... you poor thing... nobody understands you like I do... let's just sit here and wallow in your misery for awhile... I'll hold you and you can just give up and lie down here and rest... you'll feel better afterwards I'm sure." 

But the thing is, that's a huge lie. 

Because depression doesn't let go. He holds you close to his dark chest for a little while, comforting you in your self pity and victimization. But when you try to get up and move on with your life, he just holds you in a death grip and won't let go no matter how hard you try to pull away. 

That's why you need Jesus to come and wrench his horrible hands off you and carry you back home. 

And once He does that, you have to refuse to ever seek comfort in the arms of depression again. Instead you have to purpose in your heart that when you feel those yucky feelings of hopelessness and sadness and loneliness and powerlessness and pain, that you will let yourself fall into the arms of Jesus and no one else.

Because, in the end, He's the only one strong enough to hold you up and set you on your feet again. 

Jesus is the only one.