Humbled by Gratitude

Today some dear friends of mine threw me a surprise birthday party at our bible study.

It was honestly one of the sweetest, most thoughtful things they could have done and I was blown away by all of it... 

But the crazy thing was that I felt guilty at the same time. Guilty that I was being showered with so much love. Guilty that I rarely have anything tangible to give to other people and am usually on the receiving end of all that generosity. And guilty that I hadn't done anything to deserve such blessings and kindness. 

I feel weird even saying that because I feel like it sounds like I'm being ungrateful, but I'm not... 

Or maybe I am...?

Honestly I feel like God has been showing me last night and this morning, through two different gifts I was given that had verses and words about giving thanks on them, that I haven't been thankful for a long time... Even though I'm living in a season where God has literally POURREEDD blessings on my head that I don't deserve, I haven't taken the time to really soak in those gifts and to give the gift of thanks back to my Daddy. 

I think that's because giving thanks means I am just accepting the gift and not trying to earn it anymore. Thanksgiving in and of itself is a statement that says, "Wow... I didn't deserve that, will never be able to earn that or pay it back, and I honor you by accepting it with open arms and an open heart - holding back none of my raw emotions or expressions of excitement no matter how undignified or silly they may seem".

Thanksgiving is an act of humility... It acknowledges that I was poor and without until you came along and poured your place of abundance into my place of need and without that act of grace I would have empty hands still... anything I have to give you is there because you gave it to me. 

And that is a hard pill to swallow when you struggle with pride and control like I do. 

It's hard to surrender to grace and unearned abundance. 

It's hard to accept so many gifts from so many people that there's no way you'll never be able to repay them for it all. It's hard to live on the grace of others and to take and eat the bread that they labored to make. And only having the gift of gratitude to give in return almost always feels inadequate in the most humbling way. 

Jesus, I want to be a person of gratitude... Not always looking at the world with hungry eyes, wondering where I'll get my needs met, but looking at the world and the people around me with a full heart - filled with You and with gratitude for every little thing that comes my way. I want to get really good at accepting what I don't deserve so that I can accept your love for me in a deeper way than I ever have in my life...