Self Hatred
Self hatred.
It's the root of most, if not all, of my personal issues and sins and conflicts with other people. When I don't feel like I'm worthy of love or affection - when I believe that I'm not good enough or that I'm too much - then I can't let anyone love me. And when I can't let anyone love me, I close myself up in a tall tower and grow bitter and lonely in my own isolation.
Self contempt.
When I get mad at myself for doing something wrong or not doing something right or for feeling a certain way about a situation or person or idea, I am not giving myself the unending grace that Jesus has given to me. I am living in a lie because I am acting like my own standard that I've set for myself is actually better than the standard of grace that God has said I'm now fully obligated to.
Self rejection.
When I see all of my flaws and scars and struggles and failures and I decide that I've just had enough with all of it - when I give up on myself and start pretending I'm someone else - I've rejected God's masterpiece in progress. When I refuse to see past all the grossness inside of me and to see into the beauty underneath that God says is there, I am living in a lie and am refusing to accept what God says about me. He says I'm perfect just the way I am. So when I refuse to believe it, I'm saying, "Screw you God. I don't believe a word you say. I know better than you."
Giving myself grace.
This is the only way to go. When I'm tired - grace. When I'm angry - grace. When I'm overwhelmed - grace. When I'm hateful - grace. When I can't figure anything out and I keep messing up the same way I did yesterday, again and again - still more grace.
If God says I'm deserving of endless grace - new every moment - then I am worthy of it. And I have permission to give myself a break. And another. And another.
I have permission to be tired and grumpy and sad and overwhelmed and sinful... because I'm still drenched in grace. And it's enough to cover every last inch of me.
He said I'm already perfect because of His Son. So I will believe it and stop acting like I know better than He does... I am the clay and He's the Potter. If He says sit there and let Him make me beautiful, then I'll sit here and let Him. If He says relax and surrender to His hands, I will surrender. If He says that dirt can be beautiful, I will believe Him.
Because I am beautiful and perfect, not because there is any value in the dirt I'm made of, but because He's infused me with value by making me into something unique and useful and beautiful.
Because when a Master artists takes a chunk of dirt and makes it into a vase for flowers - that dirt is still dirt. But it's also a vase for flowers. And that's the mystery of why I can call myself dirt and call myself a vase for flowers in the very same breath.
Because I am the clay and He is the Potter and He's making beauty out of me. All I have to do is let Him and give myself a break when I don't know how.
It's the root of most, if not all, of my personal issues and sins and conflicts with other people. When I don't feel like I'm worthy of love or affection - when I believe that I'm not good enough or that I'm too much - then I can't let anyone love me. And when I can't let anyone love me, I close myself up in a tall tower and grow bitter and lonely in my own isolation.
Self contempt.
When I get mad at myself for doing something wrong or not doing something right or for feeling a certain way about a situation or person or idea, I am not giving myself the unending grace that Jesus has given to me. I am living in a lie because I am acting like my own standard that I've set for myself is actually better than the standard of grace that God has said I'm now fully obligated to.
Self rejection.
When I see all of my flaws and scars and struggles and failures and I decide that I've just had enough with all of it - when I give up on myself and start pretending I'm someone else - I've rejected God's masterpiece in progress. When I refuse to see past all the grossness inside of me and to see into the beauty underneath that God says is there, I am living in a lie and am refusing to accept what God says about me. He says I'm perfect just the way I am. So when I refuse to believe it, I'm saying, "Screw you God. I don't believe a word you say. I know better than you."
Giving myself grace.
This is the only way to go. When I'm tired - grace. When I'm angry - grace. When I'm overwhelmed - grace. When I'm hateful - grace. When I can't figure anything out and I keep messing up the same way I did yesterday, again and again - still more grace.
If God says I'm deserving of endless grace - new every moment - then I am worthy of it. And I have permission to give myself a break. And another. And another.
I have permission to be tired and grumpy and sad and overwhelmed and sinful... because I'm still drenched in grace. And it's enough to cover every last inch of me.
He said I'm already perfect because of His Son. So I will believe it and stop acting like I know better than He does... I am the clay and He's the Potter. If He says sit there and let Him make me beautiful, then I'll sit here and let Him. If He says relax and surrender to His hands, I will surrender. If He says that dirt can be beautiful, I will believe Him.
Because I am beautiful and perfect, not because there is any value in the dirt I'm made of, but because He's infused me with value by making me into something unique and useful and beautiful.
Because when a Master artists takes a chunk of dirt and makes it into a vase for flowers - that dirt is still dirt. But it's also a vase for flowers. And that's the mystery of why I can call myself dirt and call myself a vase for flowers in the very same breath.
Because I am the clay and He is the Potter and He's making beauty out of me. All I have to do is let Him and give myself a break when I don't know how.
Beutifully written, Rebekah!
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