Sad Day

I've started this post three times now and I'm praying this is the last time because I'm tired...

I'm tired and I'm discouraged and I'm sad. Not for any reason at all that I can think of except that I go through these cycles of feeling good about life and happy and excited for the future and then I have days that I feel completely overwhelmed, tired, discouraged, and just basically over everything... I might honestly need to see a doctor but when I'm feeling down I don't want to and when I'm feeling good I stop believing that I might have a problem...

Anyways, today is a down day apparently and I can tell because everything feels way too heavy to carry and every commitment I've made seems like an unbearable burden... 

Which is why I've started this post over so many times... It's really hard to write honestly and authentically when you feel like your brain is mush and your fingers don't want to move. I usually just take naps on days like today but I promised myself I wouldn't give up on this 24/24 blogging thing and so here I am - just trying to be real like I promised I would regardless of how completely depressing this blog post is going to be...

Questions currently circling in my head: Do I have unipolar depression like my Aunt thinks I might? Is mental illness even something I should get a diagnosis for since so many people I know have problems like this? And why do I always cycle through the same exact cycles every couple of weeks where I get excited about life and plan to start a big project or idea and then get discouraged about life and give up on everything again...?

My Grandad was majorly bipolar growing up... to the point that he got the reputation as "the crazy brother"... And according to my Aunt, bipolar can be hereditary and can pass down as bipolar or something called "unipolar" where you don't necessarily have the "up" swing of over the top happiness but you have cycles of just the "down" swing of depression, sadness, discouragement, etc... super exciting to think about...

Welp... looks like my blog post for today was me diagnosing myself with bipolar or something of that nature so thanks for stopping by! 

No but really, I don't honestly know what this all means or what the heck I'm supposed to do about it... All I know is that today I don't feel great and that could be because I didn't sleep enough last night, ate something I shouldn't have, need to process through my emotions with someone, or I just need to go take a shower finally and put on some nicer clothes so I don't feel like such a bum... And maybe it's all those things. 

But even in the middle of feeling yucky and confused and tired and overwhelmed, I know that God is going to lead me to where I need to go. And maybe during this year of healing and breakthrough, things are gonna have to get a lot worse before they get better and that's ok with me. I have to have all of God's promises no matter what it costs me.