Welcome to the Journey
Tonight I decided I want to try to blog once a day for 24 minutes a day of during my year of being 24 years old. Knowing myself I'm going to have to give myself a lot of grace up front to fail and that's ok.
It's been a long time since I blogged from my heart and I think it's time to peal back the layers and take another look inside my soul and this is one of the best ways I've done that in the past.
I'm going to be really honest with you and I hope that's ok. I'm not sure if it's a good idea or an absolutely terrible one to put my heart and soul out on the internet for anyone and everyone to see... But I also know that the few people I've seen do that have healed a part of me that I didn't know what broken. So I follow the trail they blazed and the path I followed years ago before I got scared to be my authentic self no matter what it looked like.
What will I be writing about? I'm not sure. But my promise is that it will be raw and real and exactly what I needed to say at that moment and if I can do that, this will have been a success.
I'm starting this "24 minutes every day of my 24th year" thing 5 days early and I'm hoping this head start will pay off in the end ;). That way I have a solid 5 days that I can miss and not feel terribly about it.
If you're someone who read my blog years ago and are now joining me again, thank you. You mean the world to me.
If you're someone new who hasn't read a single post I've written, thank you for stopping by. I'll just tell you up from that my heart is a mess and that this year will be one of the messiest I've ever experienced. But if you'd like to walk along the road of healing with me - leaning fully on the grace of Jesus to guide us - then welcome aboard. It's going to be a bumpy ride I'm sure.
All I know is that, no matter what anybody thinks and no matter what ramifications of this that may come, I just have to be real in front of you right now.
We were born naked, and naked we'll die. And I'm just getting a heads start and baring my heart so that the light can uncover every un-turned stone of self hatred and fear and shame and bring my dead soul back to life again. I hope to God this heals you while it's healing me. Honesty is all I know to do at this point and I'm sorry if it scares you as much as it scares me. Maybe we can just hold onto each other's hands tighter so the shame tornado doesn't rip us apart.
As you listen to my heart, please know that I deeply I believe your heart is worth listening to as well. So, as we go along, please share with me the places inside you that ache and skip and scream and dance so that we can laugh and cry and scream together. I would be honored to hear your story and be able to thank you for listening long enough to hear mine...
I still have 9 more minutes to go and I feel like I've run out of words to say... but I guess I still feel this anxiety deep inside me that you'll reject me and so maybe I can write about that?
I saw this picture in my head 2 years ago of a littler girl, balled up with her arms around her knees, sitting, head down, in the middle of a circle of curtains. Layers upon layers of curtains... Overlapping each other with colorful textures of bright beauty so that no one would ever find the broken girl in the middle...
The curtains had things written on them like "perfect", "put together", "independent", "good girl", "super spiritual" and so on so that anyone that came up and looked would only see those "identities" that the scared little girl had written as cover ups to hide her own shame and fear and insecurities...
That little girl is me.
I'm crying and holding my knees and rocking back and forth, afraid to come out from behind my curtain fortress of false identities that I've been living in for my whole life.
But recently I was drawing absentmindedly in my journal and I started drawing that same picture again after completely forgetting about it until that everyday moment... But this time, the curtains were much less thick and there was only one layer left... All the rest had been released into the wind and the little girl was peeking out into the open air from behind one of those very last curtains. She was looking out at Jesus, who was standing there with His hand stretched out towards her, inviting her out into the light.
She looked at peace and innocent again - a beautiful dress on and her hair flowing gently down her shoulders... And she had a look of trust in her eyes that hadn't been there for a long time.
I believe this is the year of breakthrough for me - the year that I will fully walk into the light. The year that I will stop hiding completely so that I can finally find out who I truly was meant to be.
Welcome to my story.
Welcome to me.
It's been a long time since I blogged from my heart and I think it's time to peal back the layers and take another look inside my soul and this is one of the best ways I've done that in the past.
I'm going to be really honest with you and I hope that's ok. I'm not sure if it's a good idea or an absolutely terrible one to put my heart and soul out on the internet for anyone and everyone to see... But I also know that the few people I've seen do that have healed a part of me that I didn't know what broken. So I follow the trail they blazed and the path I followed years ago before I got scared to be my authentic self no matter what it looked like.
What will I be writing about? I'm not sure. But my promise is that it will be raw and real and exactly what I needed to say at that moment and if I can do that, this will have been a success.
I'm starting this "24 minutes every day of my 24th year" thing 5 days early and I'm hoping this head start will pay off in the end ;). That way I have a solid 5 days that I can miss and not feel terribly about it.
If you're someone who read my blog years ago and are now joining me again, thank you. You mean the world to me.
If you're someone new who hasn't read a single post I've written, thank you for stopping by. I'll just tell you up from that my heart is a mess and that this year will be one of the messiest I've ever experienced. But if you'd like to walk along the road of healing with me - leaning fully on the grace of Jesus to guide us - then welcome aboard. It's going to be a bumpy ride I'm sure.
All I know is that, no matter what anybody thinks and no matter what ramifications of this that may come, I just have to be real in front of you right now.
We were born naked, and naked we'll die. And I'm just getting a heads start and baring my heart so that the light can uncover every un-turned stone of self hatred and fear and shame and bring my dead soul back to life again. I hope to God this heals you while it's healing me. Honesty is all I know to do at this point and I'm sorry if it scares you as much as it scares me. Maybe we can just hold onto each other's hands tighter so the shame tornado doesn't rip us apart.
As you listen to my heart, please know that I deeply I believe your heart is worth listening to as well. So, as we go along, please share with me the places inside you that ache and skip and scream and dance so that we can laugh and cry and scream together. I would be honored to hear your story and be able to thank you for listening long enough to hear mine...
I still have 9 more minutes to go and I feel like I've run out of words to say... but I guess I still feel this anxiety deep inside me that you'll reject me and so maybe I can write about that?
I saw this picture in my head 2 years ago of a littler girl, balled up with her arms around her knees, sitting, head down, in the middle of a circle of curtains. Layers upon layers of curtains... Overlapping each other with colorful textures of bright beauty so that no one would ever find the broken girl in the middle...
The curtains had things written on them like "perfect", "put together", "independent", "good girl", "super spiritual" and so on so that anyone that came up and looked would only see those "identities" that the scared little girl had written as cover ups to hide her own shame and fear and insecurities...
That little girl is me.
I'm crying and holding my knees and rocking back and forth, afraid to come out from behind my curtain fortress of false identities that I've been living in for my whole life.
But recently I was drawing absentmindedly in my journal and I started drawing that same picture again after completely forgetting about it until that everyday moment... But this time, the curtains were much less thick and there was only one layer left... All the rest had been released into the wind and the little girl was peeking out into the open air from behind one of those very last curtains. She was looking out at Jesus, who was standing there with His hand stretched out towards her, inviting her out into the light.
She looked at peace and innocent again - a beautiful dress on and her hair flowing gently down her shoulders... And she had a look of trust in her eyes that hadn't been there for a long time.
I believe this is the year of breakthrough for me - the year that I will fully walk into the light. The year that I will stop hiding completely so that I can finally find out who I truly was meant to be.
Welcome to my story.
Welcome to me.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
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