Time to Live

I grew up in a fake reality and I'm realizing it now that I am trying to come into Jesus' earthy, tangible, blood-stained, reality.

I grew up in the church - well lots of different churches actually. But they all were about the same to me. We woke up on Sunday mornings and made ourselves into what we were supposed to be - every button and tie in place. Every hair smoothed over.

Except that we fought like cats and dogs the whole time we got ready. We would often fight all the way into the church parking lot - everybody hating each other and letting each other know it. Then, something nearly miraculous would happen.

We would suddenly start doing "good" - the moment our feet touched that church pavement we were having the best day we'd ever had.

It was all a huge game. A lie. And I grew up in it since I was an infant.

And now that I'm trying to truly be real and honest and vulnerable with myself and with Jesus, I'm realizing that my entire life has been one big production. I'm not going to blame it all on the churches I went to for instilling this in me, but I know that that environment must have played a part in all of it.

I was never safe to not be ok. I was never free to really show how angry and bitter I was inside. Not that I could hide it all that well, but I was never free to stop trying to.

It was all so twisted and sad.

I want to be real. I want to stop being a religious "good girl". I want to have emotions and be ok with showing them. I want to stop trying to be so perfect that people can't even tell I'm a human being anymore.

Because human beings get sad. We get angry. We get hurt and embarrassed and afraid. But I've just never known that was ok.

I didn't know that being a wreck was allowed in Jesus' house.

And I'm finding out - with so much relief - that that's actually the only way to be.

Jesus wants the broken-beautiful to come over for dinner. (We see broken...he sees beautiful)

I am sick and tired of thinking that, because I went through a religious ceremony every Sunday morning for my entire life that I should be any more put together than anyone else. Because it's just not true!

If anything, I just learned to be an utter hypocrite, and could have been better off just staying home altogether. That's the honest truth.

Because Jesus wants people to worship him in spirit and in truth. How can I worship him in truth if I have never even been honest with myself about what a wretched mess I am?

I don't know if any of this is even helpful for you or just confusing, but this is just something I need to process through.

I just have realized that I am tired of putting on my plastic smiley face when my heart is anything but happy. I'm tired of acting like I'm perfect and not being ok with myself when I fall apart.

I am broken and messed up and sin stained.

Now I just wish I can somehow be ok with that.

I want to let the religious girl with the painted on smiley face go away and never come back. I want to embrace my fallen-ness and my humanity so that I can finally be free from the shame of it all. I want to know my own emptiness and wickedness so I can truly love the Savior well - and not to think that he came and died for "all those other people out there".

I want to know he came to save me. Messed up little me.

I just think it's time to start being really honest about the state of my heart and my soul and to stop acting like a robot - trying to just make my mechanical way through life without feeling a thing.

I want to live!

The masks have just got to come off somehow, that's all I know.

That's all I really know.