My Own Lamentation: The Messy, Ugly, Un-Resolved Truth
So, I don't trust God.
No really. I don't.
Because this time last year I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God would protect me. I knew He would protect me from pain and evil and the unthinkable things of this world. I knew this because I knew that He loved me. And if He loved me, He would protect me. I mean, right?
But in January I found out I was wrong.
Because God did not protect me from pain and heartbreak and the unthinkable.
And I am still looking for a way out of this canyon I've fallen into.
...and I'm so, so afraid... Because if He didn't protect us from this pain then what more will He allow to happen? What more will I have to walk through? And how can I live with such fear in my heart?
How can I even get out of bed in the morning? Knowing that today may be the day that I am brought low by pain and suffering and abuse and sorrow.
Don't get me wrong, I have a beautiful, beautiful life.
And I have absolutely no right to complain or doubt or fear.
But here I am anyways; right in the teeth of the greatest fear and sadness I've ever felt.
And it's all because my Daddy (Abba) has let me down.
I trusted Him with my heart and soul and mind and strength, and He didn't live up to His end of the bargain.
He let my heart be torn to pieces by all that is evil and just plain wrong.
So that's where I'm at. All the way down here in the bottom of this canyon of fear and doubt and questions. So many questions.
And I have yet to receive any answers.
Accept for one thing:
"I love you."
And for some reason that wasn't good enough...
Why wasn't that good enough?!
The God of the universe has told me in multiple ways and multiple situations this past week that I don't have to worry and I can trust His and He will walk with me through everything, and that wasn't good enough for me.
Because my heart doesn't believe it.
I mean, how can I trust You, God, when you're going to let me hurt?! How can You tell me that You love me when You're refuse to promise that You won't let me get hurt again?!
What good is Your love anyway?!
And yes, I know I'm not supposed to say all that because it's not resolved and not safe and it's messy. Really, really messy.
But I still said it anyways. And wrote it for you to see.
So maybe you could know that you're not alone.
And it's ok.
It's ok to not be ok.
Because I'm not ok either...but I am getting better, slowly. Very, very slowly.
And maybe someday soon I will really trust again.
I just keep praying it's coming soon.
No really. I don't.
Because this time last year I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God would protect me. I knew He would protect me from pain and evil and the unthinkable things of this world. I knew this because I knew that He loved me. And if He loved me, He would protect me. I mean, right?
But in January I found out I was wrong.
Because God did not protect me from pain and heartbreak and the unthinkable.
And I am still looking for a way out of this canyon I've fallen into.
...and I'm so, so afraid... Because if He didn't protect us from this pain then what more will He allow to happen? What more will I have to walk through? And how can I live with such fear in my heart?
How can I even get out of bed in the morning? Knowing that today may be the day that I am brought low by pain and suffering and abuse and sorrow.
Don't get me wrong, I have a beautiful, beautiful life.
And I have absolutely no right to complain or doubt or fear.
But here I am anyways; right in the teeth of the greatest fear and sadness I've ever felt.
And it's all because my Daddy (Abba) has let me down.
I trusted Him with my heart and soul and mind and strength, and He didn't live up to His end of the bargain.
He let my heart be torn to pieces by all that is evil and just plain wrong.
So that's where I'm at. All the way down here in the bottom of this canyon of fear and doubt and questions. So many questions.
And I have yet to receive any answers.
Accept for one thing:
"I love you."
And for some reason that wasn't good enough...
Why wasn't that good enough?!
The God of the universe has told me in multiple ways and multiple situations this past week that I don't have to worry and I can trust His and He will walk with me through everything, and that wasn't good enough for me.
Because my heart doesn't believe it.
I mean, how can I trust You, God, when you're going to let me hurt?! How can You tell me that You love me when You're refuse to promise that You won't let me get hurt again?!
What good is Your love anyway?!
And yes, I know I'm not supposed to say all that because it's not resolved and not safe and it's messy. Really, really messy.
But I still said it anyways. And wrote it for you to see.
So maybe you could know that you're not alone.
And it's ok.
It's ok to not be ok.
Because I'm not ok either...but I am getting better, slowly. Very, very slowly.
And maybe someday soon I will really trust again.
I just keep praying it's coming soon.
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