On Sadness and Love and the Goodbyes that will Soon Be No More.

Today I have decided to begin writing again.  Because it is the things I write down that I understand.


Tonight I am sad.  Why am I sad? Why. am. I. always. sad. 

I don't know...maybe I should have taken more of my Omega-3 Fish Oil vitamins that are supposed to heal my brain and take away all this sad.  Maybe...

Or maybe I should have learned by now that life is fragile and time slips quickly away and goodbyes are always, always, always around the corner.



Maybe I just loved too much.




That's it, I know that must be it.

Because my heart is finally soft and not hard.  Because all this year I've been working with all my strength to tear off the callouses that have imprisoned my heart so that it could beat full and strong and free.

Because a free heart is the only kind that knows how to love.


Because when your heart is shut down, it doesn't feel the pain, but neither does it feel the love. 

And I want to be able to feel the love. 


But, oh how love hurts.  It ties your heart to that of another and when you're pulled apart that thread is stretched and your heart is always cut by the tightening string.



So, here I am: sad and sad and sad.


But somehow I know that it is worth it.  That this finally free and beating heart of mine can never go back to the prison of calloused apathy.  That I must love and be loved and that the pain - the sad - is somehow worth it because I have finally learned to love.



But it is so hard.  So hard to have a soft, free heart.  So hard to let someone tie their heart-string to yours, even though you know - because you've learned to know - that goodbyes must come and the string will someday break.

That in this world we are always going to be pulled apart by distance and time and experiences and that separation from those we love is the worst part of death.  And the worst part of goodbye.


So I'm sad.  Because my heart has many strings tied to it that are about to be pulled taught.  And goodbyes always cut deep when you've loved deeply.


But where is the hope? I must remember the hope.


The verse above my bed today:

"At that time I will make a treaty...I will bind you to me forever with chains of righteousness and justice and love and mercy.  I will betroth you to me in faithfulness and love, and you will really know me then as you never have before."

Hosea 2:18-20



Ah. yes.  I remember now. I have a wedding to be preparing for.

Because someday soon we will no longer be watching and waiting and being made ready for our Bridegroom, but we will finally walk down that golden aisle and we will see His face. 

And all the tears will be washed away.

And all the goodbyes will be redeemed.

And maybe, just maybe, this pain in my heart is only helping to prepare me to become a perfect Bride.  Is helping all of us to become the perfect Bride.


Because all these goodbyes to my beautiful sisters is not forever.  It is not forever. 

Because we will only be apart for a little while now.  Just a little while longer now. 

And then we will be brought back together.  And we will, together, become the Bride.

The Bride for the King.


So, yes, it is well.  It is well. with. my. soul. 

Because, whatever it takes, I want to become a part of the most Beautiful Bride for my King.

Because He is worthy.




And all this pain is just for now. 

Soon goodbye will be no more.