Just One More Time

I've been avoiding this like the plague...

Writing has just felt way too hard... Too many things I don't have words for are happening right now and I haven't had the emotional energy to sit down and write about them.

God's been nudging me though... for days He's been reminding me, "Hey, honey... Remember the commitment you made a few months ago?"

"Yeah, but I've missed so many days... It feels so yucky to go back and start again now that I've failed. And besides, everything is a mess right now. How can I take time for something so silly when I am trying to survive each day with little success."

"But remember what we decided was success in this season... Consistency. And if you fall down, you just keep getting back up again. Consistently. It doesn't matter what the outcome looks like. It doesn't matter if you have all your ducks in a row. All that matters is that you show up with the 1% you have to give today and I'll bring the rest."

Oh yeah... He'll bring the rest.

Because, you see. I don't have much to give right now. I don't really have anything left inside me to offer to the world. I feel all shriveled up like a deflated balloon and it's honestly all I can do to get out of bed in the morning and change my son's diapers (and do the dishes and clean the house and make dinner and... the list never stops).

And it's crazy to me that my life could have taken such a hard nose dive after feeling like everything was going so well.

But before I get to depressing, let me explain. I have got some pretty intense hormones going through my body right now that aren't usually there and they're making me feel like my life is out of control and my body is against me and my relationships are in tatters...

But really, all that's going on is that... well... I'm pregnant.

Yep... Pregnant with number two before we hit our second anniversary.

I'm about 8 weeks pregnant and that's why I've been completely missing for the past few weeks. I've been hiding under my pillow hoping my body will feel like functioning today.

But really, what do I have to complain about? So far this pregnancy has been so much better than the last one and I can actually get out of bed and function instead of being bedridden and puking every other hour. Now, that was truly hell on earth.

But there's other things hard about this pregnancy that didn't come with the last one.

To name a few, I have a lot more responsibilities in my church and as a mother of my first born that I didn't have before. Oh, and I'm also recording my first music album... So there's that too.

And I'm just still not really sure what God was thinking letting me get pregnant right now.... The timing just seems to wrong, Lord... Why now? In the middle of the most difficult, intimidating process I've gone through in a long time - recording a music album - why did you decide to put me into the weakest possible state of being imaginable?? I mean, I can barely get dressed let alone work on a full length album for the next few months...

But that's just how He works sometimes... weakening us to the point that we know for sure we can't do it without Him... Like Gideon... He started out with thousands of men in his army - about to go up against an enemy who outnumbered them immensely already. And God whittled his little bunch of dudes down to only 300 men... And then sent them into battle holding, not swords and shields, but torches and horns.... Talk about raising the stakes.

God just likes to make sure sometimes that we don't have a leg to stand on so that when He gives us immense success and victory, we'd have to be majorly delusional to think we had anything to do with it.

So here I am. Doing the thing I was born to do - singing my song for the world to hear - and I barely can make it to the studio without throwing up...

It's just like God to bring us down to earth like that. And to remind us that we are nothing without Him.

Because now, every small victory throughout this process is all Him. Every time I am kind to my husband instead of acting like a psycho is a victory from Him. Every time I choose to love my son instead of getting mad at him for just being a little boy is a victory from Him. Every note I sing on key is a victory from Him.

And it may not look pretty but it's just the honest, realest truth.

I'm limping along here... Crawling, dragging my tired body and soul... Holding onto Jesus with this tiny bit of strength I can muster each moment.

And that is success.

Success doesn't have to look pretty sometimes.

Sometimes success just means getting out of bed. Consistently. For a few days in a row. And not giving up on life before you've gotten to the good part.

Because I know this is just a short little season I'm walking through.

And soon I'll be looking back - either full of gratitude or full of regret at how I decided to walk through it.

I get to decide if I give up hope or not.

I get to decide if I will give up on love in the middle of my hormones going off the charts or not.

I get to decide if I'm going to give up on my heart and just try to survive or not.

And I choose to thrive.

In the middle of this crazy, messy, impossible season...

I choose to say "yes" just one more time.